As most of you know I have borderline personality disorder (bpd) and bipolar disorder. I’m going to take some time to give you my point of view on how it feels to have both. Obviously from the title, you’ll see that I feel like I am living a double life. And it’s true. In one hand I am trying to manage the mood swings. On the other hand, I’m trying to manage on emotions that primarily based on fear and anxiety. But at the end of the day, my bipolar disorder and BPD likes to tag team on the suicidal thoughts. Yay! -_- …
With my bipolar disorder, it’s very inconsistent. Sometimes it’s a whole week or two of mania, then the new week or two of depression. Sometimes it starts of the day with my usual morning depression, then mania, next is anger/feeling irritable, back to depression, and then finally mania. That’s all in one day! It’s very exhausting to keep that under control when going to work. Because I can’t bite Susie’s head off over a silly email. I can’t stop what I’m doing to cry in my cubicle for 20 minutes straight. I can’t run around taking more tasks than I can chew, just because I am so hype of energy. I have to constantly pause, look at myself and the situation as a third person, and see what’s really going on. Am I really happy or that’s my mania? Is my anger rational? I’m depressed, but is it about what’s going on in the moment or because lack of sleep from the night before? What trigger these tears? Constantly questioning while trying to focus on my job and get the tasks done. Doing this for 8 hours straight is tiring. But of course, the day is not over! I have to go home and find whatever energy I can muster up to be an adult. But don’t worry, my mania kicks in eventually. I am wide awake and I want to do EVERYTHING… except the stuff I need to do.
I feel like my bipolar disorder dictates the bigger picture. But my borderline personality controls the smaller things. “I text this person this morning, why didn’t he/she responded back yet? They are sick of me. I knew it. I’m worthless. Ya know what? Fuck them! I don’t need them. I was fine on my own and I can go on, on my own! I should block them from my social media. You want to abandon me? Two can play that game!” Right when I’m about to take it to the next level, I receive a text from the person stating they have been working double shifts and they were meaning to text back. Then I feel dumb and go back to self loathing which sometimes leads to suicidal thoughts. It doesn’t get like that ALL the time, but sometimes it does. The fear of abandonment and constantly preventing that rejection is something I have to fight over everyday.
Sometimes I can cope with it in a healthy matter; like working on my blog, watch something that makes me laugh, talk to a friends and etc. Other times I don’t manage it the best way. I’m an emotional eater so greasy, fatty, food, here I come! Or I do self harm, but not cutting myself. Through dermatillomania… click here to read my entry about this disorder. Unfortunately, doing dermatillomania relaxes me. My negative thoughts and anxiety goes away. I keep digging into my skin until I bleed. Again, not a healthy coping skill, but I am getting better at it by finding other distractions.
Constantly on my toes to manage both disorders. I view it as talking, negotiating, and screaming at two people. Sometimes one gets more attention than the other, depending on the day. Within my mental health, it feels like a double life within a double life, if that makes any sense? It’s a double life between BPD and bipolar, but it’s a subcategory. Because there is my life that I paint as “normal” then everything else is the otherside.
My normal is work, adulting, family, and friends. The monsters I cage eternally is in a different world. Like you have to walk through a closet (Narnia) to see all my damage and wounds. There are monsters I try to tame and avoid for anyone to see. Because if I show these monsters, I am afraid that people will misinterpret it as my real face. Sometimes I believe these things are the real me and I’m out here pretending with the rest of the world. Just as Shakespeare said in As You Like It, “All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women merely players” But everytime my love ones brings out the best in me ,and whenever I kickass in what I do at work, I am reminded that I am more then just my monsters.
My bipolar disorder and my bpd, are the monsters I face everyday. It’s an overwhelming battle. Though I have fallen and been beaten up so many times, I prove to myself I am able to handle them. And sometimes, living a double life is not so bad. Almost like being a superhero. Me, being my own hero, and fighting the bad guys are my daily struggles that I tend to overcome. While my secret identity is the life that I hope to make permanent. Hoping that one day it will be my only identity.
Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think. If you have bpd or bipolar disorder, or both, comment below. If not, you can still show some love. Love reading comments. Until next time, same mental health channel at the same mental health time. Adult one day at a time. xoxo **super hero pose**