Love doing recaps! It’s great to reflect and meditate all that have happened in a month to see if there have been any improvements or lessons to be learned. I hope my recaps encourage you to do the same. Hope it influences you to think about all that had happened and what you plan to do better next month. I also hope you can learn from my mistakes or my epiphanies and apply it to your life. Enough rambling, let’s get to it!
As you read on my blog entry , August Already?, I started the month rocky. I had surgery to remove a tumor from my ovaries. It was a risky procedure and there were a lot of complications that affected my other health issues. But despite it all, I live through the surgery and getting by on the recovery. It has been very challenging for me. Just a few days ago I finally started to walk without a cane. I will say this, I was extremely nervous during recovery. Why? I laying in bed being heavily medicated on my free time. I was concerned because it reminded me of my depression.
The days of waking up, not wanting to move or do anything. Just cry myself to sleep to wake up and do it over again. Those days were one of my lowest days. Though I wasn’t really depressed, the times of laying in bed and not doing anything was alarming. I thought, “Am I laying here because I’m really in pain or too drugged up, or is it my depression talking?” I would distract my mind by binge watching shows but I am not the kind of person that can do that all day and that me made me more irritated. Plus any show I watched triggered me; especially Grace and Frankie! How can two old ladies who is making the best of their situation trigger me? Because it had me think about life and death, questioning my exist, and what would become the life I have created after I passed on. Deep thoughts that plunge me into a a negative space. Luckily, as soon as I start to get suck into it, I begin to pull myself out of it quickly.
Also, I know I did an entry about Emotional vs. Mental health. I did it because it just hit me there is emotional health and I was confusing it with mental health sometimes. It also made me take a good long hard look at my emotional state. I broke down and cried when I realize my emotional status is still the same depressed 10 yrs old girl. My mental health is better, but that’s because I was working on it for so many years thinking that was one of my key issue. To sit there and realize I have an emotional health of a child is embarrassing.
However, now that I have figured it out I am planning to read articles and books, and watch videos on improving my emotional wellbeing. Just like it’s taking me all these years to get me where I’m at mentally, I know it will probably be the same or longer. I get the funny feeling it will definitely be longer. Lol! Nevertheless, I’m all about improving all aspects in my life. It won’t be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.
I don’t talk about my love life on my blog, because it’s unnecessary. Also, since my last breakup two years ago, love just seem like make believe. Though I still feel this way, I decided it’s time for me to get back on the dating scene. Now… let me tell you about myself… I am shy, quiet, and awkward. Big crowds usually give me anxiety. Heck ordering Chinese food over the phone makes my heart leap out of my throat. The typical place to meet people for a potential lover is extremely intimidating. So I resort to dating apps. The first few days were rough, but now it’s okay. Or maybe I have become tolerant on the virtual harassments. I think it’s a little bit of both. Though it’s an app, I still feel like I’m getting out of my comfort zone, but I am very proud of myself for that. I will say this, there is a person I am falling for heavy. This person makes me feel nice.
I don’t know… I’m trying to tame my thoughts and emotions. I do have borderline personality disorder (BPD). People with BPD tend to be clingy and have extreme strong emotions for people. Knowing that, I have to keep myself on check. One of the ways I do so is doing things that reminds me that only I, myself, can make me happy. Like working on this blog. I love working on this blog. I like the fact it helps people or make people feel not so alone,. It helps me as well. Any time I felt I was incompetent or useless, managing this blog and it’s social media proves me wrong. This blog reminds me of my true power and the person I am. Which by the way, if you’re reading this, thanks for doing so. Trust me when I say, it’s my pleasure.
Anyway, getting side track! Lol! But yes, as I’m talking and meeting people, I am constantly reminding myself not to depend on them for my happiness. Not to depend on them to feel like an amazing human being. It’s tricky at times, but I am doing it. So… that’s all. I will continue getting better on my physical health. Try to working on my emotional health (good God help me!), and try to be open to love; not only from others but mainly from myself. I hope this entry has inspire you. Have a wonderful Labor day weekend! Remember to adult one day at a time and I will see you in September.
PS – what is one of the tough lessons you had to face this month? Comment below. I love when people share.