I just want to thank everyone for their patience and support through these tough times. It really means a lot to me. You have no idea. Just reading the comments of encouragement helped me to push on. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
I was going to start a new entry next week. I wanted to settle into my new place a little bit. But as you see, I cancelled the plan with my blog post (MCM – Charlamagne Tha God). I’m glad to be officially back and to continue to do what I initially planned. I can’t wait for you to read future post I have in mind. It’s going to be a lot of information on mental health and mental wellness. I’m so excited to share with all of you.
Until then, my life is better right now. I have moved into a new place. I have a very awesome roommate! Actually, we were roommates years ago. So it’s great to be roomies again! The landlord/super at my old place was harassing me. I felt very unsafe at there. It was bad enough my mental health was decreasing, but it definitely got worse feeling that they may break into my apartment and come after me or my belongings. It was a very stressful time.
While dealing with this, I was trying to manage a death of a roommate. To this day, it feels so surreal. Like, I know he is gone, but I guess my mind doesn’t want to completely wrap its head around it. To this day, going into my Facebook account and seeing Facebook memory, and looking at the post that he liked. Reading the comments on posts that I have uploaded and post we were tagged in. It’s like he never left, but coming into that reality that he is actually gone. That I won’t see likes from him in the future and receive any comments.
When we were roommates we had completely different schedules. We had a tiny window when we saw each other and that’s when he was coming in from work and I was going to work. I was use to saying goodbye to him and wishing him nice day as I was leaving out the door. He was standing in the kitchen watching videos from his phone on the kitchen counter. He would look up and say, “thanks, you too” When he passed away, it was strange to not see him stand there. It felt off not wishing him goodbye.
But one day, I looked back at the usual spot he would stand and said, “Goodbye Mike, have a good day” I think in that moment, my mind was slowly coming to terms of him not being around. So I had to let it go, in order for me to start moving on.
A part of me thought it was my fault. Maybe if I made the time to really ask how he was doing and took the time to talk to him, maybe he would still be alive. But I thought to myself, even doing so, it wouldn’t have mattered. He was the type of individual that kept to himself. I don’t know, even when trying to be logical about the situation, I still felt like it was my fault. I guess, people know me as “Momma Bear”. I always care for people. Even if I don’t know the individual well enough or even when I don’t like the individual. I would still go out my way to show a little tenderness. I guess I am one of those fools that believes in second chances, seeing the good in people, and try to be a good human being myself.
Anyone would tell you during my college days as a senior, I cared for people within my building. I felt like we were a community and we had to look after each other. So I carried that with me when I moved out of my parent’s place and lived with roommates all these years. I felt as being “Mama Bear”, I have failed. I should have stepped up more. I should have done more. He would still be alive if I had done what I have always done. But no, I was so wrapped up in my own life, that I dropped the ball. I know it’s not my responsibility to nurture for another person. I know we are all adults and must take care of ourselves. I know all this, but still… I can’t shake the thoughts in my head. I am getting better, but every now and then, the feelings will come up.
Anyway, this blog entry was supposed to be my triumph of overcoming all these obstacles and how I am winning right now. However, it ended up to be an entry about my deceased roommate Mike. Mike, if you’re reading my blog entry, I just want you to know that you’re a great guy and I hope you’re in a better place now. I hope your family, friends, and I make you proud as we continue to live our lives to the fullest. We will see each other soon my friend.