Two Years

My depression have been slowly getting worse lately. I only have energy to go to work, feed myself, then go to sleep. It scares me, because that’s how I use to  be years ago. All I would do is work eat, and sleep. Until, or course, my manic phase kick in and decides to be a little financially irresponsible, stay up late, and be a little more flirty than usual.

Anyway, what makes it scarier is that it will soon be 2 years since I have gone without meds and therapy. I am petrified! Why? Studies have shown a person that has a mental illness can go 2 years without meds and therapy MAX. Usually it takes a few months before the person finally breaks down. But it seems like 2 yrs is the limit.

I can feel myself being pulled to the darkness. I think, because the way my 2018 ended. It did not end in a high note and things kinda transfer over the new year. So I am very disappointed, discourage, and depressed on how things turned out. I was giving up on my life and me. It scares me, because I don’t want to end up in the psych ward again.

I am not in the verge of killing myself, yet… I do think about how I don’t want to be in the world anymore. But never pursuit it. I do feel that I will cave in at any moment though. I feel like a ticking bomb. The clock is counting down to the moment to either when I will spaz out, or worse, end it all. I just feel, that something bad will happen. Though I try everything in my power to prevent it, or slow it down more so, that I can not escape the inevitable.

6edab2c77b3c03ab66e0b58bceb75fb6I had to seriously sit down with myself and say, 2019 still can be a great year! It’s only January! It’s only the second week of the year! And I am ready to throw it all away already? There are 11 and a half more months of possibilities. I thought about that quote, “giving up on your goal, because of a setback is like slashing your other three tires, because you got a flat” Here I am, ready to slash the other tires, when all I had to do is fix the ONE tire.

So I did as much cleaning as I could and wrote down steps that I need to take to be in a better situation. The cleaning made feel productive and mentally declutter. Writing down on what I need to take care of; made me redirect my focus on the real problem and think of strategies on how to solve them.

Now I’m not saying, doing these things my depression disappeared, but it did made me feel a little better. It reassured me that everything was going to be okay. I just got to remember to adult one day at a time.

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