Obviously the picture on the left is the before and the one on the right is after. I thought I would share this as my transformation Tuesday piece. I know you’re thinking on the surface of this. I was overweight and I couldn’t take it, then I decided to lose weight. I wish I can say I have remained as the after picture. Unfortunately no. I have definitely gained weight. Weight has always been an issue for me, but I will get into that specific topic some other time.
I wanted to share this photo, because the way I was in the black dress. I was struggling a lot. I was suffering from bad depression and stressing out a lot. The boyfriend at the time was on disability so most of the financial stuff were handle by me. A lot of pressure to work OT to gain extra money. As well, trying to manage the place we stayed. I would be so exhausted from working, that cooking and cleaning was out of the question. But I had to try, because my partner at the time couldn’t even stand up for a long period of time. On top of that, we just adopted a baby kitten (Checkers).
A lot of pressure was on me to keep our baby happy, house cleaned, and money to be made for the bills. Because the lover I had at the time had disability, he was going through his own depression. It didn’t help the situation. He would take it out on me. I thought it was all my fault then I started to self loath myself.
Pretty much the way I looked on the left is how I felt. I felt hopeless, unwanted, and unloved. When he decided to leave me and the cat behind, I was devastated. I thought I was nothing without him. Unfortunately I started to believe those thoughts.
The stress of my life and the breakup was just too much for me. So I decided to end my life with handful of pills. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I was alone in my dark bedroom, crying on the floor, while banging my head on the the side of my bed. I was hoping the banging will stop hearing the voices in my head that said, “You’re nothing”, “You can’t do anything right”, “You’re a waste of space… just kill yourself”
Checkers, my cat, was just a kitten at the time, but I see the worried and confuse look on his face. He didn’t know what happening, but he knew nothing good can come out it. So he slowly walked up to me with some hesitation and stood there with a distance. A small meow of concern projected but I ignore him.
I grabbed my cellphone and text a friend my goodbyes. Snatch a bottle out of my bag and poured the pills into my cup hand like they were candy. Checkers leaned in to exam the bottles and sniff the pills. I slightly nudge him to keep him at a distance.
As I look at the pills I felt tired of being a coward to take my own life. In my previous entry, Let’s Start From the Beginning , I have been on and off trying to kill myself since the age of 12. At that point I was about 25. I was angry and so depressed. I thought enough was enough. I swallowed the pills. I cried so much and so hard I laid down to take my final rest. Concept of time was a blur for me. All I know some time later I felt weak, nauseous, headache, and my stomach was starting to hurt. I slightly opened one eye and see Checkers looking worried. He meowed. Then he meowed again, but louder. With every meow it was getting louder and louder; his paw kept tapping my cheeks. I don’t know if it was his way to check if I was dead or to keep me alive. Maybe both. All I know the loud meows started to sound faint.
However, at that moment I saw a blur of blue and red lights bouncing off the wall. The I slightly blacked out. I was a little coherent. Everything dark, but I hear my kitten meowing in fear. I hear the door busted. I hear muffle sounds of people speaking. I thought to myself, “Oh wow. I did it. I finally ended the pain. I was playing my haunting past as if it was trailer to a movie. I was thinking about my family and friends. In that moment I wanted to say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to continue… I’m sorry I let you down… I’m sorry I couldn’t make you proud” Then I tried to imagine a future without me. I thought to myself, “It will hurt, but everybody will be fine” Then I thought of a future if I kept going. I hated the picture in my head. I saw a future of more pain and struggle. I did not see any hope.
With that feeling I felt bad. Cause you read in articles about people who tried to commit suicide and live to tell, they said right after they did what they did, they soon regret it. But I had no regret. I felt at peace. That was very disturbing. I was so full of sadness, misery, and hate that I had not one ounce of love in me. I was petrified with thought. Am I monster? A machine? Even the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz had a heart! Where was mine? I think the thought of myself not caring scared me so much that all the sudden I woke up bright lights in my eyes as the a tube was deep down my esophagus.
Taste of charcoal dictated my pallet. Blurry vision of people’s in masks that seemed so alien to me had had brought terror to me. I try to escape and they try to pin me down, but they couldn’t. All the sudden prick was injected in me and I slowly fell back into the darkness. I woke up again to find out I was in the hospital.
That’s when things turned around. Social worker got involve and convinced me to go to to outpatient treatment. I had to attend 3 days. I went to outpatient treatment and met other people from different religion, sexuality, race, political party, and income status that were so depressed that they tried to kill themselves. Some people with more severe mental cases then others. But it doesn’t matter, for 4 hours, 3 days a week, we were a family.
We supported and listen to each other. We became friends. We would hang out outside the hospital. It was great. I started to believe in myself. Most importantly, love myself. It was showing. After 3 months, the doctors said I was ready enough to leave. I started to workout, eat healthier, meditate, practice the coping skills I have learned from treatment, and do things that brought me passion. I made sure to take my meds and see my therapist.
Slowly, but surely, within a year and a half I went from the girl you see in the left, to the girl on the right. The girl that values life and love herself a little more. Again, the picture looks like a weight loss story. But to me, it’s a story of me trying to recover myself as a whole. Have you gone through any changes in your life that made a big difference (big or small)? Is there any changes you are currently working on? If so, please comment. I would love to hear it. I hope my story have inspired you to transform your life. Just remember, change is adulting one day at a time.