You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Hahaha… sorry, couldn’t help myself. I had to do it. All jokes aside, I will shed some truth on this entry. As I’m typing this, I have mix emotions, but I’m sure everything will be just fine. **cough**cough**
To be honest, it has been really hard to maintain this blog. Not because it’s very difficult to manage, but it’s because of my depression. If you have read my previous entries, I have bipolar disorder (with other mental illnesses on the side). Due to not having healthcare for 2 years, I could not make appointment to see my therapist and take my meds.
Yes, for TWO years I have been going cold turkey. I don’t know how I am still functioning, but I am. But trust me when I say, it’s the bare minimum. There have been days I had breakdown and cried silently at my cubicle. If the tears can’t stop, I have to cover my face and run to the top floor stairway and cry in the dark corner. Sometimes the tears keeps going and going, but I was afraid being away from my desk for too long. So I had to quickly stop the tears to march back and continue my work. It was tough, but I persisted.
There have been days when my manic phase kicks in. Staying up late into the night. Spending money beyond my measures. being super active on multiple projects and/or doing frivolous tasks. I’m very responsible with my money. As soon as I receive my money. I pay my bills right away. Whatever is left over I will try to manage until the next check. Sometimes I do have a bit of extra and I will splurge. But just as long I handle my bills, I didn’t really care, because I have taken care of my financial responsibilities.
However, one time I have gotten paid and there was a a new Joyce Leslie’s (clothing store) that have opened up near me. It was open for a few months, but I have never gotten the chance to take a look. Until one day, pay day, I did stop by. I bought clothes, purses, and shoes. Though I mainly took the stuff that were on sale and place back many items, it was still a lot of money. I went home feeling an incredible high, but after looking at all the bags, and realizing I didn’t pay my bills yet, the very next day I returned all the items. Thank god I was a VERY cautious splurger and didn’t use all my pay check on the stuff. So I was still able to pay my bills while waiting for the refund on the money I have spent.
I think I was very cautious, because in the back of my mind I knew what was happening. I knew this wasn’t me. Even during my depression state, I was fully aware. I guess it’s because I knew without meds and therapy, I was going to hit a wall. Anytime, I have seen any signs of extreme depression coming around the corner, or abnormal hype behavior, I try my very best to prevent the situation. If I could not, then I try harder to cope through the issue.
The funny thing? My life have recently have gotten better. You would think my depression would get better. Nope! I guess by the time things start turning around it was mentally too late for me. Comic Con, a place I love to go. I didn’t feel excited about. Halloween, one of my favorite “holidays”, doesn’t seem appealing to me this year. My love for comic books, video games, and anything geeky have slowly lost my interest. I knew I was depressed, but this was a different kind of depressed.
Until one day, I came across this video on Youtube talking about high functioning depression. It’s clinical term is called dysthmia. I will post the video later. But it’s a video explaining when someone is able to function to get through the important things through the day (like work), but still suffer from depression. They have explain the signs and I was like, “OMG, that’s so me!” It’s funny how someone who suffers from depression for 21 yrs can still be learning about their own illness, but not through their therapist, but from Tumblr and Youtube. Side note: I found out I had dermatillomania from Tumblr. Sigh…
Anyway, I have been going through this mental and emotional roller coaster ride and trying my very best to get through it. Sometime I get through the day with success. Some days, I don’t. Actually, many days I don’t. But this is why I made this blog in the first place. Not to be a guru, but to read what a huge mess I am, but I somehow got a new AMAZING job (yay me!).
Yes, I… Michy… who have quietly cried in her cubicle, deal with severe morning depression, had a sense of hopelessness and loneliness, and think of herself as a piece of shit 90% of the time, have gotten a new job. And not any new job, an amazing job that is in the career I want to do. Despite the many nights wishing I was never born, I had somehow made this thing happen for me. My depression have gotten a little better, but I know it will take more than just a better job to make me feel complete.
Anyway, as I continue to battle with my depression, I will try my best to post. Especially when I’m feeling like shit. To tell you the truth… this was very therapeutic. So here I am… naked with my flaws and baring my truth. Just to let you know, that whatever your truth is, no mater how horrible it is, you will get through it. You just gotta adult one day at a time! 🙂
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